


Moments In Time

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Sappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Hephaistion's POV during various moments in time from the day he meets Alexander to the day he die.[Printed in the 2006 Alexander zine "You Strike Me Still"]
Relationships: Alexandros III of Macedon | Alexander the Great/Hephaistion of Macedon
Kudos: 44





	Moments In Time

**Author's Note:**

> Imnium Amicorum Carissimus = means ‘the first and most dear love’
> 
> Philon = Greek for beloved

##  Meeting Destiny

My world was born the day I met you. I do not know what kind of world it will be but I still know it to be true. It seems strange to admit to but when I looked into your eyes I knew I was captivated forever, one way or another. You have such beautiful eyes….

“This is Alexander, Philip’s son.”

That was how you were introduced to me, the last words said with awe, respect and a hint of a warning. I, Hephaistion Amytor, might come from an important enough family to ensure me I could study alongside the King’s son in Pella but I was not in his league. Compared to Alexander I came from a modest home but it was a happy one. My father taught me how to run the household and we would debate various scrolls we had read. The concept of self-control, intelligence over brute force, is a Greek virtue my father values highly.

Your beauty struck me at once. With an artist’s eye I admired this golden son that you were. Never had I seen eyes like yours, skin so fair and hair so light. However, your passions ran wild and you were quite arrogant in your bearing. I saw how the others treated you. Though they tried to do so unnoticed they would go easier on you and at weapons and hand-to-hand training your opponent would always let you win. There was a look of frustration in your eyes that told me you knew this.

The first time we fought I won. I never once considered letting you win. That would not be honest and honesty I had been taught is one of the most important virtues. I helped you back on your feet and quietly asked you if you would like me to let you win. I would if you ordered…I would if you asked. You never did either. Instead you promised that one day you would beat me. It wasn’t arrogance speaking but a vow, a promise, to yourself and to me and I took it as such.

This show of restraint and need for honesty which you seemed to have a hard time getting made me eager to get to know you better. I don’t know why, I cannot explain it, but somehow I felt like something happened there that day, as I shook your hand for the first time in a beginning friendship, which would change my life forever.

##  Caught In Bonds Of Love

“That cursed woman! Does she have to taint everything I have?” Alexander’s voice is high and agitated when he returns to practice, his eyes red. I know him well enough to know he’s barely holding back tears. I look at Cassander, Pltolemy and our other friends. One day when Alexander is King they will be his generals. There is no need for them to witness this.

“Let us go for a walk, Alexander,” I ask him kindly and lay a hand on his shoulder. He smiles thankfully at me and we walk some distance away, into the gardens, the others’ eyes following us.

“Shall we expect you back sometime today or do you have…ahem, other business to attend to?” Cassander yells after us, his voice teasing. At 13 we both know to what he is implying but both Alexander and I ignore him. Since we met when we were 8 years old we have become as close as brothers but none of us have ever breached the subject of any other feelings than that. Before it was too early and today it still is. While we all know how people are intimate and despite the others bragging I am sure none of them have yet laid with man or woman.

“Oh, let them go,” Craterus says and I smile in thanks though he cannot see it.

I lead Alexander to a small stone bench and he sits down. He folds his hands in his lap and looks at the ground. My heart is filled with love and protectiveness. Strange that I should feel I have to protect a prince but I do. His dreams can reach the skies but his heart is so easily bruised. Since our friendship started I have taken it upon myself to try and ease his life in any way I can, even if it means just being there.

“Dear Alexander,” I say softly and kneel before him, laying my hands on his. “Will you not look at me?”

He raises his eyes to meet mine and I see tears on his cheeks. I attempt a smile. “What happened?” I ask, fighting down my anger at whoever caused him pain.

“My mother,” he starts and I nod encouraging. Of course it would be her…or his father. He seems constantly caught between them. The games those two plays with him…I never understood it. My parents are not like that. They are kind to each other and share a love that is rare between a man and a woman. 

“Was it about me?” I ask him to get him to go on when he falls silent. It often is. The Queen doesn’t like me much but then she doesn’t like many. Save Alexander. She adores him in her own way. Everything she does is for him, that much is certain. But she does not consider if he wants or needs her help. Still, she is his mother and family is important.

He nods sadly, his eyes haunted. “Partly. She said that my friends were not truly my friends. I could not trust them. She said they were only kind to me because I was the King’s son and that I should not get attached to them,” he explains. “But you…you would never betray me, would you, Phai?” he asks, his voice filled with love, hope, need….uncertainty.

I shake my head and smiles calmingly. “I will always be with you. For as long as you wish me to.”

He smiles happily and I draw back so he can rise. He helps me to my feet and embraces me, holding me so close my ribs protest but I remain silent and enjoy the closeness.

“You are my Patroclus,” he says heartfelt and I smile. He has always enjoyed the legendary hero of Achilles and the beautiful love between him and Patroclus. I remember when we were younger we would play out their greatest battles and greatest sorrows; he was Achilles and I his Patroclus. He loved to change the story so that he would save me and in turn I would save him. He has always loved to pamper me; I think it makes him feel loved and needed. I remember when he would dress me as a Persian prince or a figure from a herotic play.

“As you are my Achilles,” I reply warmly and smile at his words as well as my memories. We are too old to play dress up now yet if he asked I would let him dress me again, any way he wished.

##  I Love You

I do not know who felt it first but I know who said it first.

We have grown into young men of 18 and our friendship is as strong as can be. We spend every day together; we share everything. Everything but this.

I had been out riding in the morning. I often do to get some air and to think. My horse got spooked by a snake and lost in thought I lost my grip on her and fell off. Next thing I know I am lying in Alexander’s luxurious bed in his room in the palace, a bandage around my head and Alexander sitting by my bedside. He’s holding my hand and looking concerned, worn and tired.

I smile softly, reassuringly and squeeze his hand. “Are you alright?” I ask him worried.

He laughs briefly, tears of joy and relief in his eyes. “I am now. Now that you are with me,” he says joyfully and strokes my hair tenderly. I lean into the touch, smiling happily. Life seems perfect just by seeing him smile, seeing his eyes shine like that.

“I am sorry I worried you,” I say.

He gives me a serious look, his emotions reflected in his eyes as he says, “I love you. Don’t ever leave me again.”

We have never spoken the words but I know I have always loved him so I smile, feeling like Zeus Himself have blessed this day. “I love you too.”

He lean closer to me, our lips inches apart and I feel my breathing quicken. “I have longed to do this for so long,” he mumbles and then his lips are on mine. I have never thought of doing this before but as our lips meet I feel like lightning has hit me and I know this is perfect. I put my arms around his neck and deepen the kiss.

Nothing short of the end of the world could tear us apart now as we cling to each other and give in to our passions. I gladly let my self-control shatter for him and the joy he feels at this gift warms my heart. Everything I have is his. Always has been.

##  Teasing

“With Alexander commanding out here, which of you commands in the bedchamber?” Perdicass asks us teasingly as we are all sword practicing together outside in the fine weather.

I would have wanted to keep our relationship a bit more discreet out of fear for the court’s reaction but Alexander, naturally, would have none of it. He was glowing like a sun the day after our first lovemaking and so was I. Still I asked for caution but as is typical him he threw caution to the wind.

By the end of the day everyone knew that our relationship had been completed. Not that Alexander told anyone but the way he would smile at me, the way I could not help but smile back, his protectiveness of me skyrocketing, he would touch me more and his voice would soften as would his eyes when he addressed me. It turned out it did not matter much because apparently the court and our friends had thought we had already consummated our love long ago.

“He is a King’s son. Who else would be willing to submit than a man beneath his own station?” Cassander says with a cruel twist to his words that his teasing never had before. I have seen him eyeing Alexander and I think now that he is jealous. Did he love Alexander for so long, only to see him spend all the time he possibly could with me? I feel a pang of sadness for him if this is so.

“Cassander, lay off,” Pltolemy warns before the banter gets out of hand.

“Not another word,” Alexander warns him with a stern look.

“As you wish,” Cassander says but when he passes me by he whisper, “Run and hide behind your King, little one.”

After practice Alexander and I walk the garden and he is happily telling me of all his dreams and plans, for the kingdom and for us. Beautiful dreams. Normally I would think of ways they can be brought to reality but today I am silent.

“What is wrong, philon?” Alexander asks me concerned and we draw to a stop.

I look at him and smile weakly. “I appreciate your help today, love, but you cannot come to my rescue like that.”

“Why not? I will not see you hurt, by swords or words,” he says strongly, a dangerous gleam in his eyes for whoever might think of harming me.

I stroke his cheek and he catches my hand and kisses the palm, making me shiver with desire.

“They will see me as weak.” When he releases my hand I cup his face with both hands and looks seriously at him. “Please, my Achilles. For me…please promise me you will let me fight my own battles.” I see him hesitate and I add, “for my honour…for me. I need to.”

He smiles kind of sadly but then gives in and kisses my lips tenderly. He rests his forehead against mine and says, “I would grant you anything you asked, also this, even if it pains my heart.” He draws back and looks at me seriously, “But promise me if things ever get out of hand you will tell me. I will **not** lose you. I will not have you suffer.”  
  


I nod. “I will,” I promise and he smiles before we kiss again.

Caught up in our love and passion the small display is quickly forgotten. When I am in his arms any hurt, anything at all, is forgotten as if it had never been.

##  Wedding

Alexander’s passions run deep but they make him who he is. I have long ago accepted this and come to love this about him.

When he defied his father at his wedding I stood by his side. We all stood by him.

Despite his sadness at his father’s actions Alexander was so proud of this. His friends stood by him.

Our time in exile was spent together and it reinforced our bond of friendship. It was now us against the world and our friends’ teasing died out. In many ways we were all happier out there, in exile, than we had ever been before. We had a common ‘enemy’ and it overshadowed minor differences.

It also reinforced the bond between Alexander and me. We spent our days together and shared our nights. He would dress me up like he had when we were young boys only now it held more love and passion. We would walk together, talk together…do everything together.

Then Alexander was called home, and yet our bond remained. We were a band of brothers, all of us. We would stick together. For once in my life I saw the world as Alexander sees it; beautiful, clear and simple. I did not see reality…I saw his dream of unity **be** reality.

##  A Mother’s Love

I never feared Olympia and have met her briefly a few times before. I have never talked with her before though and standing before her now as she sits in her chair in her room in the palace here in Pella, stroking a snake as lovingly as a mother a child…she does indeed make an impressive impression.

“My Queen, Hephaistion Amytor to your service,” I say softly and bow for her.

She rises and walks around me as a buyer would a slave. I remain standing tall, my emotions under control. She comes back and stands before me. She is a bit shorter than me but the large snake curled around her arms makes her somehow appear larger.

“You truly are beautiful,” she says and with a hand under my chin she turns my face first this way and then that way as if to confirm this fact.

“Thank you, my Queen,” I say evenly, waiting to be told why she has summoned me. I long to return to Alexander’s side and reassure him I am all right. It took all my rhetoric skills to make him let me come here alone as the Queen’s command said.

She seats herself again and strokes the snake, her eyes on me. “Do you like snakes?” she asks and the question takes me by surprise but I hide it. I know what everyone else would reply. They would say yes because obviously she loves them so chances are she wants others to do likewise.

“No, my Queen,” I reply honestly. I remember my father’s teachings and know I should never tell a lie.

She smiles at my reply. “You would claim to love my son,” she says and I nod. “Tell me, do you believe him divine?”

I know she does. “I do not know,” I say honestly. “But I believe in him and I will stand by him in whatever he will choose to do.”

She thinks about my reply before she asks, “What would you do if I ordered you to leave Pella?”

I fight down the pain at the very thought of leaving Alexander brings me. “I would leave, my Queen, and return to the house of my father.”

“And Alexander?” she asks with a raised brow.

“I would tell him why I left and that I hoped he would be able to find time to visit me,” I say honestly, fighting to keep the pain at bay that the very thought of being parted from my Alexander brings me. Since we became lovers we have barely spent one day apart.

“If I told you that you could stay here, with Alexander,” she goes on and I cannot help but smile relieved, “but only if you accept the role of any whore. No practice, no lectures, no rank…You stay here, in Alexander’s bedchambers, for his enjoyment alone.”

Unspoken are the words, _your honour would be lost…destroyed_. I briefly close my eyes in pain. This is much to ask of anyone; too much. It is even more to ask of a man raised to be a scholar and warrior, a man used to hold the respect of his peers.

“Yet I would be with Alexander? Also when he went to war?” I ask to be certain and she nods.

I know I have to make a decision now. I know where my heart leads me and I try to counter it with my head. Can I really live such a life as that? Would it not kill me? Yet my heart is too filled with love, the dark future she paints too surreal for me to see it clearly. In the end my reply is obvious. It is the same reply any young man in love would give, with the strong conviction that love can overcome everything, that even the worst future can be turned around by the power of love.

_Forgive me, father,_ I silently pray, _but I cannot abandon my love_. I know what my decision will have to be. 

I meet her gaze head on, knowing I am signing away my life but Alexander is worth it. Without him I would not have much of a life anyway. At least we can still be together. I can still help him…somehow.

“I would stay,” I say, my voice strong.

She is silent for a moment, her eyes searching my face for weaknesses and she smiles when she finds none. “I believe you would,” she says and I nod, not sure what else to do. “You are no threat to my Alexander.”

“He is my life,” I say honestly.

She nods. “He is the light of the world,” she says, a dreaming look on her face. She waves a hand at me to dismiss me. “You may leave. I have learned all I needed.”

I bow for her, fighting not to show how relieved I am that the dark future I had just accepted would not come to pass as I say, “Thank you, my Queen.”

I smile as I leave her chambers. At least she will no longer try and get Alexander to believe I do not wish to love and support him. Life really does seem to be going our way.

##  Crowned King

How can everything go so wrong so fast? I was standing by Olympia’s side, my Alexander having asked me to be present when his father entered the arena. Olympia and I have had one more conversation wherein I assured her I would never work against her plans, whatever they may be and that I would not talk ill of her and because of these two conversations we now share an unease truce.

Suddenly the world breaks into chaos as Philip is murdered before everyone’s eyes and my first fear, my only fear, is for Alexander. I cast a look to Olympia and she looks a little too calm which reassures me somewhat for I know she would never harm Alexander. Still, he could be hurt in the crossfire. I run to the arena, fighting to get past the fleeing and frightened people. As I reach it Alexander is there, cradling his dying father, tears in his eyes. He is breaking before my eyes, his grief consuming him. He has always wished for his father’s love and approval. Now he has lost him.

My fears almost make me freeze in my tracks as I see blood on his white clothes but then I draw a relieved breath when I see he is unhurt; the blood is not his. I long to comfort him, lay my arms around him but that must wait. Macedonia needs Her King. I raise Alexander to his feet and raise his nearest hand high into the air as I proclaim him King. I share my lover’s grief yet in this moment I also feel great pride; King. He will be a great King!

##  Eve of Battle

I cannot tell him how afraid I am I will lose him yet I am.

He is a greater warrior than me. As he promised me when we were children he ended up able to defeat me in combat. I am not a bad warrior but my true strength I have always known lies in other things. It lies in maintaining an empire, building roads, and making diplomatic agreements, calculating taxes, appointing ministers and advisors. Alexander’s true strength lies in battle strategies and his abilities as a warrior. Yet those are merely tools for his true strength; his dreams. His dreams are what will guide us; what we will move towards.

I know of Alexander’s rule never to share the night with anyone the eve before a big battle yet I miss him so much. Since he became King we have not had much time together. So much else has demanded his time. I understand. I have stood by his side filled with pride and joy and seen him organize the army and move out. Yet I cannot deny my life have become colder. Seeing him at a distance is not the same as holding him close in my arms. Before he became King we were always together and the sudden loss is painful.

He has appointed our friends generals as he always said he would and all in all our friendship remains strong. The generals are all behind him. This is his moment to shine. I smile. This is his moment.

I go to sleep alone, the bed empty and cold. This is Alexander’s moment. I can wait. We can wait.

##  So Much Love To Give

I noticed it at once. The looks Alexander gave Begoas. The warmth. The passion. I noticed because he would look at me in that manner. He still looks at me in that manner.

I have never shared Alexander before with anyone. I knew I would have to one day but a wife would have been easier to take than a beautiful Persian eunuch.

I fight down my pain, fear and feelings of betrayal. Alexander has always had strong passions. I knew he was never mine alone. Could never be mine alone. He still loves me. He is still my Achilles. Before all the generals he said of me that I too am Alexander. With those words he has raised me far higher than anyone else.

Alexander has always longed for love. He needs it. What kind of man, what kind of lover, am I if I denied him comfort? Denied him what he wishes? No, I can deny him nothing. I will deny him nothing.

Yet I cannot ignore how my heart hurts and the mere thought of Alexander with another…especially a slave boy, threatens to break my resolve. A slave boy over me. That hurts more than my heart. It hurts my pride.

##  Love Hurts

“You normally do not drink this heavily,” Pltolemy says with a concerned look and I just shrug as I empty another goblet of wine.

“I do tonight.”

It has been 2 weeks since our victory, 2 weeks since we took Babylon and Alexander first saw Begoas and tonight we have yet another celebration, the large room filled with people, drinking, laughing, whoring. I have spent most of those weeks trying to set up the practical things for Alexander’s enlarged Kingdom and Alexander have had enough to do with the army. We haven’t spent a moment alone, together, since the battle and my heart aches so badly I fear it might burst.

“Did someone push you out of Alexander’s bed, pretty boy?” A very drunk Cassander says to me as he stands with his arms around a female dancing girl, on the way to take her to a more isolated part of the room to bed her.

“Leave him be,” Craterus says and laughs drunkenly. “Come, enjoy yourself,” he says and drags Cassander off with him and they go to use the girl together. I turn from them and look into Pltolemy’s compassionate eyes.

“They are drunk,” he says, almost apolitically.

“So am I,” I say and pour myself another glass of wine, my voice dark. Why doesn’t it help? This should ease my pain, not intensify it.

“He means nothing to him, you know that,” Pltolemy says softly and I almost moan in pain.

“Does everyone know?”

Pltolemy smiles a bit sadly. “He did not leave the party discreetly and when he left with Begoas…” His voice dies out and I nod. Of course they know my Alexander is bedding the eunuch as we speak.

“I am afraid I shall lose him,” I admit softly. Normally I hold all my emotions inside, only sharing my love with Alexander but all else is controlled. The wine has loosened my tongue and I feel so alone.

“I have seen how he looks at you, speaks of you. He has raised you far above anyone else. You will not lose him,” he says calmingly and I smile kind of sadly.

“You are a good friend, Pltolemy. I will not forget this.”

He nods and smiles sadly before he leaves to enjoy the party. I watch people move past me for a little while, sitting alone. I never before noticed that besides Alexander I never really created any strong bonds of friendship. I gave him all my time. I considered the generals my friends as we grew up and still do but we were never close. I am not even close with Pltolemy; he is just more sensitive than the others by nature. In essence it means when my Alexander is not here…I am alone.

Feeling miserable and still far too sober since I can even think this, I grab a couple of bottles of wine and wander back to my chambers. Alone at last I put the bottles at the floor by my bed and then fall onto it. I let the tears I have fought for so long fall freely and allow myself to wallow in my self-pity and misery. Just for one night I let myself lose control. Mourning my loss and nursing my pain I reach for each bottle one by one until I have drunk them all. For a few hours after that I feel good and wander around in my room, writing and just enjoying feeling so carefree. It is almost as if I am young again. Strange but ‘young’ was only a few months past, when Alexander was not yet King. That was young. This…this, I admit with a sigh, is old.

Then the wine’s effect change and I fall into a blissfully peaceful sleep. 

##  You Strike Me Still

“Stay with me tonight,” Alexander asks of me and I can only accept. I look meaningfully at Begoas and Alexander dismisses him. I have tried not to hate the boy, it is hardly his fault, but the best I can do is a cold distance. I have decided to pretend, as much as possible, that the boy does not exist. That is the best way. Alexander, thankfully, does not mention him to me and so I can keep up my pretend.

We stand at the balcony that overlooks the city and talk. Alexander has just gotten a letter from his mother and I have fulfilled my end of our bargain and she did hers; she spoke no ill of me and thus I encouraged Alexander to give her what she wants.

Alexander speaks of his dreams and goals and as always they enchant me. He dreams so beautifully. His world can be such a painful place, he bruises so easily, yet still he maintains an outlook on life, which is filled with positivism and hope.

I tell him what I have heard of talk around the palace. I know that even if such talk reached him he would not notice, caught up in his visions and plans, so I bring them to his attention.

I probably should not do this but I cannot help myself. When he looks at me so lovingly, when he speaks of his love for me, that he trusts only me, needs only me…Everything is once again right with the world. His warm presence, his smile, his words…suddenly it is as if we are boys again and I tell him as much. I have tried being mad at him over Begoas but I could not.

“You strike me still,” I tell him. He always has and he always will. I allow myself this weakness and confess I fear losing him to this world he wants so badly. He assures me he will always be with me and I believe him. No matter what…I will always love him. As we make love that night everything else fades away and for a brief moment in time we can almost recapture the simplicity of our youthful love. 

##  Imnium Amicorum Carissimus

How much little things can hurt.

As a young boy I had never imagined that holding the love of a King would or could be so painful.

He wishes to protect me, pamper me, show the whole world how much he loves me. So he raises me above all else…he kills anyone who speaks up against me if he sees it. He places me as second in command.

Envy is a frightening thing and it is even worse when you know that some of that anger is justified. I am the best at administrative work in Alexander’s empire; I can help him create order out of a conquered nation. However, to raise me above all his other generals in matters of war as well was a sign of love and trust but not a smart move. I was not the oldest or most experienced in battle. I know most of the generals are better warriors than me. He should have raised them but my Alexander lets his heart rule. I guess I cannot blame him for it though. I let my head rule in everything but my heart rules supreme when it comes to Alexander and Alexander is what my life is centred on.

The generals’ resentment isolates me. I can count only on my own men to obey my orders and take mine without question. Though the generals are supposed to seek my permission and council when Alexander is not present few do. They will go around me or simply wait for Alexander to come back.

It is not easy. It certainly wasn’t what I had thought would happen when first I fell in love with Alexander yet I know pain is a part of life; I have learned that the hard way. I still hold Alexander’s love and in those moments when he holds me, when our lips meet…. everything is worth it.

I am aware that he is becoming my whole world…literally. I keep council with none or with him. I dare only let my guard down with him. I can only speak of matters not directly concerning the running of his empire with him.

My father died while I was with Alexander on his war campaign. What little support I had with the generals are slipping away. I have nothing left. No one left…no one but him.

Still I share him. I always knew I had to. Yet I decided long ago that I would rather share him than lose him.

Still…this vow is a cold comfort when I am alone, holding council for myself….when the bed is empty and I sleep alone.

##  Choosing A Bride

I supported Alexander’s choice of bride. It broke my heart to know I would share him with yet another one, yet this was what Alexander wanted so I supported it.

What I had left of support by the generals pretty much died that day. Not only did I support a decision they did not but to them, in my pain even to me at times, it appears that besides a Persian eunuch Alexander would now also choose a none Macedonian woman above me. My claim to Alexander’s love would to them seem weakened at best.

It is Alexander’s wedding celebration and I fight to stay strong. As always I stand alone, isolated. Alexander asked me to come but said I did not need to. Of course I came when he asked it of me.

The celebration is at a high point. Everyone is more or less drunk. I myself stand at the perimeter but haven’t touched a drop. By now I only drink when I am with Alexander; I dare not lose control like that anymore. I smile ironically to myself. To imagine that Olympia’s paranoid fears should come true not for Alexander but for me.

“What are you thinking, boy?” Cleitus mumbles drunkenly to me and pushes me a little. Smiling at his drunken display I playfully push him back. I end up stunned on the floor when his fist connects with my face. He leans over me and grabs a hold of my shirt and I raise a hand to fight him off but then notices the tears and pain in his eyes and freeze.

“Let him go!” he roars and shakes me back and forth though I am not sure it is me he sees or are speaking to. I let him shake me. His grip losses and he sinks to the floor beside me, simply looking at me.

“Cleitus?” I question, as I sit opposite him on the floor, not sure what is going on.

“I promised Philip I would take care of him yet how can I save him from himself?” Cleitus asks me softly, pained, and I shake my head, not sure what to say. “Why does he do these things? Foolish boy! He must know none will approve of his union.”

  
“I do not think he ever did consider it or that he does so even now,” I say softly, careful not to let my own feelings show. I would dislike the woman no matter who she was so I have decided to try and ignore her the same way I do with Begoas and the few other lovers Alexander has taken who hasn’t stayed on the way those two have and will.

“It was his last request of me,” Cleitus mumbles sadly and his eyes find mine. “It was Philip’s last request.”

I recognize the pain in his voice, the grief. “You were his lover,” it was a simply statement of fact.

“I loved him,” he admits pained, his honesty speaking louder than anything of the vast among of alcohol he has been drinking.

“I am sorry,” I say, not sure what else to say. I of anyone know the difference between being a lover and being loved. I know I am loved by Alexander…I know I am. Yet even the strongest faith can be brought to doubt by lovers.

He eyes me intensively. “I know what you are going through,” he says frankly. “I was there at Philip’s second wedding.” He shakes his head before he sneers, his voice filled with hate and loss, both at himself, me and the part of himself he sees in me. “You are a fool!” he hisses. “You will lose everything! If not Philip and I both had been as discreet as we were I would have lost it all too. As it was I was struggling, balancing on a knife’s edge. You, boy, is way beyond balancing…you’re falling.”

I shake my head kind of sadly. “I cannot leave him.”  
  


He sighs in defeat. “I know.” He pauses for a moment before he says, “If you think you had it hard before it will be nothing compared to this. If I were you I would take an assignment far from here until the hate over his wedding has calmed.”

“I have just recently returned from Egypt. I cannot leave him again,” I say and my thoughts go to the ring I will give my beloved tonight. A symbol of my love…and of the fear I have of losing him forever.

Cleitus nods and smiles a little, pain in his eyes. He strokes my cheek but I turn away and his hand drop to the side. “Your beauty in your position as his lover gives you no credit with the generals,” he mumbles and I know why; beauty is the most important trait for a whore. Then he shakes his head. “The man is a fool. He does not deserve this.” He waves at the banquet hall before he looks at me, shared knowledge in his eyes. “He does not deserve you.”

My eyes harden a bit despite the joy I feel at his words of kindness. It has been a long time since anyone was kind to me. While Cleitus never were among those who made my life difficult he never eased it either. He treated me just the same; no worse and no better yet most of all he has until tonight remained a distant man I never really knew. “You are drunk tonight. But do not speak ill of him again.”

Hs shake his head and laughs at me. “You defend him still, even now when he has gone to bed his new wife.”

At his words I look around and see Alexander indeed has withdrawn with Roxanne. It pains me as strongly as the first night he spend with Begoas but I learned my lesson; being drunk doesn’t help and by now I dare not become drunk without Alexander and a large guard at my side.

I turn back to face him, pain in my eyes. “Would you not have defended Philip? Would you not do so even now?”

“I would kill that bitch, Olympia, if I could! I know she was behind his death!” he rages and I sigh, a bit sadly.

“You must control your passions, my friend, or they will be your undoing,” I advise kindly. It is not wise, even in private conversation, to speak ill of royalty, though for his kindness here tonight, simply by speaking with me here tonight with kind words instead of scorn, I shall say nothing.

“I speak as I see is the truth and I always will,” he says and I nod.

“I cannot really shame you for that,” I say for I do the same and honesty is, after all, a virtue. I rise and am to leave by moving past him when he grabs my right wrist and stops me, still sitting on the floor.

“Don’t go to him. Reclaim your life and honour.” There is a desperation and intensity to his words that are heartbreaking.

I shake my head, agonized. “I cannot.”

“Then I cannot help you. This will be the rest of your life,” with a wave of his free hand he indicates the isolated corner of the room I have been standing in.

“Then so be it,” I say determined and with a shake of his head he releases me.

By the time I have found the ring and is on my way to bring it to Alexander all the evening’s emotions hits me and I am barely holding back tears. I love him so much that it hurts. Adding to that hurt, to my fear of losing Alexander, come Cleitus’ words. I know they are true and I know I am risking everything, betting everything on my faith and love yet what else can I do?

He is today, as he ever was, my only love and I know now…he remains my greatest sorrow as well.

##  Always My Comfort

To love a dreamer is a little like loving a dream itself. It’s hard, it demands sacrifices and it is often painful.

A dream doesn’t realise how much it demands to be born, to come into life. The same goes for a dreamer.

My fears have come to rest. I know Alexander still loves me. This knowledge is the one thing, the one certainty that keeps me going. I fight for him, work for him, hurt for him. My world has become him, only ever him.

When I look into his eyes, see his love for me in words, looks or deeds, I know it is all worth it. I wish to protect him still, I wish to care for him still.

I feel so proud when he says he trust me best of all, that I am his only true comfort. I fight to remain so. I fight to bring him that.

My beloved. He can be hurt so easily and the betrayal of friends is a brutal stroke. I have faith in his abilities to create dreams of nothing at all and I work my fingers till they bleed to help him bring them to life. Yet the army is losing faith and my warnings to him fall on deaf ears. He sees his dreams so clearly, he sees my loyalty…he cannot see that not everyone are like that.

I defend him at every turn. I guard his back. Sometimes he will notice, sometimes he will not. Such are the life of dreamers. Their feet never fully touch the ground. The trivial matters of life hold no meaning to them.

I feel something will explode soon. I try to repair a broken fence and the more I try and put it back together the greater the cracks become. I try with all my might but my feet are in mud and I am slipping as the cracks just keep growing.

My love…oh, my love…I am not sure I can keep you safe from this.

##  Losing A Friend

I knew we were heading for a fall but I never saw this. Cleitus killed by Alexander’s hands. I tried to hold him back, I tried to prevent it but Alexander is as filled with passion as Cleitus was.

I warned Cleitus against this. I warned him against letting his passions run free but he did so anyway. He had some valid points but he should never have spoken such against Alexander, so openly defied him. Yet my heart is heavy for he was kind to me. Somehow I felt connected to him. Join Philip in the afterlife, my friend, and finally find peace. I feel you never did here, at least not after Alexander became King.

My beloved Alexander. He has broken before but never like this. If we were shocked at his deed he was horrified. I am not sure how to pull him out of this. He has isolated himself with Begoas and a whole lot of snakes of all things. Zeus give me the strength to save him. Aphrodite, keep our love strong.

Somehow I **will** heal him. I won’t let him fall.

##  Spiritual Healing

Roxanne and I have over the years come to share an uneasy truce at best. She resents me for my position in Alexander’s life as I resent her. Still, I am civilized around her, giving her the respect she is due and mostly she is likewise.

Now, as we have both been denied access to Alexander’s tent for days we have created a common bond and we are united in our distaste for Begoas. While mine is controlled and mostly I can ignore him and therefore how I feel about him she uses whatever opportunity she can to speak ill of him, maybe because she knows Alexander will never let her speak ill of me. Now though we are together in our concern for Alexander and our dismay that of everyone he chose Begoas to be with him. A slave boy. Above either of us.

In the end it is she who asks me to enter his tent. I have respected his decision to stay away as I respect all his orders and decisions. Even if it pained me I had stayed away this time but now when Roxanne asks me to enter I know I should have done so from the start. This was one order I should not have followed.

My steps and actions are determined, fuelled by love and concern as well as agitation at Begoas. Of course Alexander would choose the slave to sink into self-pity with him for he would never speak up against him. One thing I do admire about Roxanne is that she never let herself be cowered.

Yes, Cleitus was a good man. He was a good general and yes he was a friend to Alexander’s father and shared only with me that he was much more than that to Philip but Alexander is so much more. I admit it should not have gone down as it did but only the Gods can change the past and I doubt they will for this.

Come on, my Alexander. Snap out of it! You are stronger than this! Remember your dreams. You are Alexander! Yes, it was a mistake but he went too far.

Cleitus might have been one of my few supporters among the generals but I stand by Alexander till the end. It shouldn’t have happened but it did. Nothing to do about it now.

You are Alexander. Be Alexander! Reclaim your dreams!

And as I think, speak, shake him, pray and look into his eyes I can see I am getting through to him and I smile happily and relieved, sending Begoas a dark look above Alexander’s head. He should have…no; he is just a slave. I ignore him as I hold Alexander close. That’s it, my beloved. Tears are better. They cleanse. Get it out and then move on. You can do it. I have faith in you. I love you. I am always here. Always yours. Always your comfort. You can do this.

##  Indian Wounds

“Phai,” Alexander mumbles weakly and I force myself to slide a bit closer to his bed, ignoring the pain the movement brings me.

“I am here, my love,” I say and my hand finds his in a weak grip. I have to clash my teeth together against the pain at even this simple movement but the joy of hearing Alexander’s voice again drowns out everything else.

“I…where are you?” he asks weakly, searching both sides of the bed, a little disorientated.

“You were hurt in the battle. We all thought you lost. You have been unconscious for several days,” I say, unable to keep my fears at bay as tears of joy run down my cheeks. I had feared him lost to me and I only wished to remain close to him so when he died I could follow him.

With a pained sigh he turns his head and his eyes follows the hand I still hold till he spots me. He frowns.

“Why are you laying on the floor?” he asks worried.

“My left leg was badly wounded and I would not leave your side. The doctors needed easy access to your body so…” I shrug as best as I can but I am aching all over.

“It must be freezing,” Alexander protests in concern.

“I lie on a blanket,” I protest weakly. “It is not important anyway. All that matter is you.”

He shakes his head weakly. “You matter to me. More than anything else.”

I smile happily, but won’t give in. I cannot lose him; not now when he has just given me hope. “The doctors need to…”

“Join me in bed, my love,” he interrupts, longing and need in his voice and I nod and smiles.

“Yes,” I agree, unable to deny him when he looks at me so and calls me like that. I try to push myself up but lack the strength.

“Doctor!” he yells as loudly as he can and many people enter, several doctors and several of his generals.

“Praise the Gods!” one of the doctors’ say and everyone runs towards him. “We must…”

  
“No!” Alexander says sternly. “Lift Hephaistion up here to lie beside me,” he says strongly and I smile, feeling warmth spread through my body at his request and concern and I sigh in happiness, the agony, physical and emotional of the last few days, forgotten.

“But, my King…” one of the doctors start to protest.

“Do as I order now and then leave us!” he orders, cutting him off, and I am glad it is Pltolemy and Craterus who lift me for they do so as gently as they can as they lift me to lie beside Alexander. I cannot help but grimace in pain at even this movement.

“Thank you,” I say to them as they nod with a smile and move away. Of everyone only they ever came to me as I lay faithfully by Alexander’s side and tried to get me to leave. When they saw they could not they had my wounds tended to there and made sure I was as warm and comfortable as I could be.

“Now, leave,” Alexander waves his hand impatiently at everyone and reluctantly the tent clears, leaving only Alexander and me, facing each other on the bed.

“I was so afraid I had lost you,” I admit, my voice filled with tears as I take a shaking hand up to stroke his face.

“You will never lose me,” he vows and strokes my cheek. Our hands fall from each other’s faces and we intertwine our fingers instead over the pillows. For a long while we simply lie beside each other, happy to be together again.

“I will withdraw from India,” Alexander then says with a tired sigh.

“I am sorry your dream did not come true,” I say heartfelt.

He shakes his head and looks at me with a serious expression. “You are my dream. When I thought I had lost you on the battlefield…I did not wish to go on living. Without you…” he pauses and shakes his head again. Pained he moves closer and I do likewise so we can share a brief kiss before we exhausted and pained lean back. “I love you. Only ever you. Do not ever leave me,” he says sincerely, his gaze intensely on me and I smile happily.

“I have always and will always love you. I will be with you forever,” I vow, moved by his words, feeling that despite the pain in my body then all is once again right with the world.

He smiles. “Then my dreams have come true.”

Our hands still linked we fall into an exhausted but peaceful sleep.

##  Special Among Many

Back in Babylon Alexander married two more women and of course he still had Begoas and Roxanne and other lovers he rarely visited more than once yet it did not pain me as much as it would earlier. Our vow from India held.

Alexander healed in body and mind and got his dreams back. He wanted to go for Arabia next. As always his dreams could reach the sky. I knew the generals did not wish to go on yet I stood by my Alexander, as always.

My own position at court was weak at best but none dared harm me for fear of Alexander’s rage. I did not mind. I had found peace at Alexander’s side. He loved me and that was all that mattered.

It still pained me when he was with someone else, the bed would still be cold, my loneliness would still be so profound I at times found myself speaking quietly to statues in the garden…. yet even in my deepest grief and loneliness his love was with me and I could not be angry or jealous. He suffered so greatly in India. His body healed quicker than his soul ever could. No, if this heals him, makes him happy…then so be it.

It’s all worth it when he smiles at me….when we touch.

I know I am special among many and that thought is enough to warm me through my loneliness.

It has to be.

##  Saying Goodbye

“I worry for you without me.”

Who shall watch over you now, my beloved?

There is so much to do, so much to prepare for. Who shall do it now? All your dreams….

Do not worry, love, I shall be fine. I am feeling better. I will stand by your side as I promised I would.

I…I cannot refute I am very tired though, my love. Tell me of our love, of the life we should have had. Let me hear your voice as I close my eyes.

I regret nothing as an unnatural sleep claims me. I loved and was loved in return. Everything I did was for you. It was all worth it to see you smile, to see you look so lovingly at me.

This was not how I thought things would be or how they would end but no one can escape the will of the Gods. I gave you everything I had. I pray it will be enough to last in the time where I cannot stand by you.

My only regret is leaving you alone. Be strong, be brave, my Achilles.

Farewell, my love. You were always first in my heart, soul and mind and always will be.

I will wait for you.

Wherever I may go I shall search for you until I find you.

I **will** wait for you.

I shall be with you forever. One way or another.

You were my world and you will remain so. In death as you were in life.

**_The End_ **


End file.
